You used to be enough..but that’s no longer good for me

I remember when I’d be the happiest girl ever to receive a text from you in the morning or early afternoon. I’d be all giddy and blushing, because I loved to hear from you. Even if it was short it made my day. 

I remember when I used to think that I was the luckiest girl in the world to be dating someone like you. Tall and handsome, friendly,driven, and all other women seemed to do anything and everything to get your attention, even before we met. Yet you chose me.

I remember when you’d text and say you were coming over at the end of the evening once you were done hanging out with your boys. I would eagerly jump up and make sure I had your favorite movies and drinks available. Make sure I cooked one of your fave meals or picked up food from somewhere we enjoy eating together.

Then I remember waking up one day feeling different. Those morning/afternoon texts no longer were good enough. The excuse of “I’m not a fan of talking on the phone” no longer was one I would accept. I want someone that ignores how much they dislike phone conversations because they enjoy my company, or simply want to hear my voice. I want more than 160 characters grouped together in empty textversations that fade into nothing after 4 or 5 exchanges.

I remember the day i realized that you enjoyed your role of ladies man way too much, to the point that it had turned you into a male attention whore. Where women were willing to any and everything to catch your eye or get some of your time, you were willing to do any and everything to keep that status and attention from any and everyone you could get it from. Your personality changed. You proudly  became a man that disrespects,degrades, and reduces women to body parts and sex. I no longer felt lucky that I had what other women wanted. I remember that feeling turning into disgust and saying to myself that those other women can have you. They’d probably be a better fit. Attention whores seem to work better together. 

I remember when I finally realized that all those nights you chose to end with me had nothing to do with you wanting me to be the last person you spent time with before you closed your eyes, or the first person you saw when you woke up. I realized that was just your “for-sure” at the end of the night once you’re done partying every weekend (with the same fellas you kick it with every day) and once you’re done meeting the thirsty women you’ve added to your contacts to rotate in with me next week. Yeah of course you wouldn’t be anywhere you didn’t want  to be, but wanting to be everywhere else until the wee hours of the night was no longer enough.

I have no desire to engage in situationships. I have no desire to associate with desperate attention seekers, because they’re always looking for the next best thing. I no longer have a need for a textationship. I desire meaningful conversation on a consistent basis, not just when you can find the time after getting drunk to come by.  

So when you playfully hit my inbox or text messages these days, cracking jokes about me abandoning you because you’re not good enough,the truth is..you’re absolutely right. 

Later never came…

Have you ever planned to spend time with someone, and they go missing for the rest of the day? I don’t know about you but when things like that happen, I go into major reflection mode. To me,those “no call no show” moments are much deeper than the lack of consideration we tend to focus on. I always feel there’s a bigger reason why things didn’t happen as they were expected to.

It may be as simple as someone forgetting to call you back when they said they would in order to make the definite plans. Hey,stuff happens. However, when it’s someone that is claiming to be interested in you intimately, lack of follow through tends to take on a different meaning. 

Lack of reliability has different levels to me. I can’t see myself getting disappointed at one of my best friends canceling on a night out, like I would for a guy that says he wants to be more with me, yet flakes on scheduled date night. It’s the same with phone calls. My girlfriends and I have good intentions to keep in touch by phone in a more consistent manner,but it gets more and more difficult as each year passes and we all advance with personal endeavors,etc. However, like most women walking this planet, we wouldn’t tolerate the same lack of communication from a love interest or a guy that claims to want a relationship of significance with us.

Don’t get me wrong. Lack of follow through may not be something that’s a big deal to them,but it doesn’t make it any less significant for you. You have a right to be mad and/or disappointed when someone stands you up,or simply doesn’t do what they said they would,no matter who they are to you. You have a right to release the idea of making plans with them again. You have the right to release anyone that is flaky from your life if their reliability doesn’t suit your standards. 

Back to the point of my post. Recently I was asked on more than one occasion by someone interested in me intimately to spend time on my off day. I couldn’t commit to a specific time due to other obligations including mommy duties,but did let them know that I was cool with that. However,that day rolled around and when I attempted to make plans I was dismissed for the evening with a text message saying “I’ll hit you up in a little bit”. Of course that was at 7 in the evening,and “in a little bit” never came. 

When I got in bed that night, I began to reflect on the situation, and what it could possibly mean in the bigger picture, outside of him just not following through. I realized that maybe this was God’s way of protecting me from a compromising situation that He knows I try so hard to not involve myself in day to day. I’m not just talking physically,but emotionally, and spiritually also. Maybe we weren’t able to align our schedules after trying all week to come together simply because we might not be meant to spend too much alone time together. 

Perhaps this is God’s way of nudging me of away from making decisions that don’t align with the desires of the heart, and the healthy relationship I know that He has intended for me . 💕