You used to be enough..but that’s no longer good for me

I remember when I’d be the happiest girl ever to receive a text from you in the morning or early afternoon. I’d be all giddy and blushing, because I loved to hear from you. Even if it was short it made my day. 

I remember when I used to think that I was the luckiest girl in the world to be dating someone like you. Tall and handsome, friendly,driven, and all other women seemed to do anything and everything to get your attention, even before we met. Yet you chose me.

I remember when you’d text and say you were coming over at the end of the evening once you were done hanging out with your boys. I would eagerly jump up and make sure I had your favorite movies and drinks available. Make sure I cooked one of your fave meals or picked up food from somewhere we enjoy eating together.

Then I remember waking up one day feeling different. Those morning/afternoon texts no longer were good enough. The excuse of “I’m not a fan of talking on the phone” no longer was one I would accept. I want someone that ignores how much they dislike phone conversations because they enjoy my company, or simply want to hear my voice. I want more than 160 characters grouped together in empty textversations that fade into nothing after 4 or 5 exchanges.

I remember the day i realized that you enjoyed your role of ladies man way too much, to the point that it had turned you into a male attention whore. Where women were willing to any and everything to catch your eye or get some of your time, you were willing to do any and everything to keep that status and attention from any and everyone you could get it from. Your personality changed. You proudly  became a man that disrespects,degrades, and reduces women to body parts and sex. I no longer felt lucky that I had what other women wanted. I remember that feeling turning into disgust and saying to myself that those other women can have you. They’d probably be a better fit. Attention whores seem to work better together. 

I remember when I finally realized that all those nights you chose to end with me had nothing to do with you wanting me to be the last person you spent time with before you closed your eyes, or the first person you saw when you woke up. I realized that was just your “for-sure” at the end of the night once you’re done partying every weekend (with the same fellas you kick it with every day) and once you’re done meeting the thirsty women you’ve added to your contacts to rotate in with me next week. Yeah of course you wouldn’t be anywhere you didn’t want  to be, but wanting to be everywhere else until the wee hours of the night was no longer enough.

I have no desire to engage in situationships. I have no desire to associate with desperate attention seekers, because they’re always looking for the next best thing. I no longer have a need for a textationship. I desire meaningful conversation on a consistent basis, not just when you can find the time after getting drunk to come by.  

So when you playfully hit my inbox or text messages these days, cracking jokes about me abandoning you because you’re not good enough,the truth is..you’re absolutely right. 

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Never again is what I told myself over and over  in the years after you left. I said I would never give you an opportunity to hurt and abandon me like you once did. I reminded myself that you didn’t deserve someone like me, and that I’d be foolish to ever allow you in if you ever returned. 

Yet there you were,reappearing as if you never left. Returning with the desire to prove to me that you deserved and were prepared for another chance to be everything I wanted and needed. Melting all my hesitation away with that smile of yours, and those arms that held me like they never wanted to let me go. 

But they did. They let me go just as fast as they returned. You came back and shook my world upside down just to end up leaving everything in disarray. You begged to be let back into my heart only to leave the door open for regret and pain when you walked back through it. 

You made me believe in you all over again,just to prove to me you were exactly who you proved you were the first time.